25 Things about me.

1. My parents were scared of me as a child. That’s true.

2. I was able to summon water spirits as a child. This might explain the fear.

3. I probably should’ve been born circa 1930, because I like things from the 40’s and 50’s a lot more than stuff from the 80’ and 90’s. But maybe if I was born in 1930, I’d like stuff from 1900 and 1910 better than stuff from the 40’s and 50’s. Maybe we’re all just doomed to be nostalgic for stuff that existed slightly before our times. Maybe we all want to be our parents and grandparents. Suck on that one for a while. I’m gonna be over here adjusting my spats and hoarding war bonds.

4. In the ‘if I could have dinner with any four people’ question, I am much more concerned with what we’re eating than who is at the table. It had damned well better NOT be vegan, unless we’re eating an actual vegan, which is sorta gamey but has a wonderfully sweet finish.

5. I know why the caged bird sings. It’s because there’s fuck all else to do in a cage. Not really poetic. Not sure why she wasted all that time with it.

6. Snow is the communism of weather. It’s better in theory than reality, puts everyone on the same level in terms of being completely fucked, and leads to shortages of necessary goods and long lines at grocery stores. Also it’s really white, unless it gets all brown and watered down and then just causes travel problems (see Cuba) or yellow and therefore unpleasant to eat (see China, the nation not the food. The food is highly pleasant to eat. Like a vegan. Touched for the very first tiiiime.)

7. If snow is the communism of weather then Willard Scott is the Khrushchev. The smiling face espousing its virtues that every red-blooded American should prefer to see dead.

8. Also Bryant Gumble. The prefer to see dead thing.

9. I graduated high school at 16 only to spend 7 years in undergrad. That’s like winning the lottery and just burning the stack of money. Which come to think of it would be pretty legendary. So it’s really not like that at all.

10. If I could be the best ________________ in the entire world, on most days I think I’d fill in that blank with “dancer”.

11. Favorite fruit is strawberry. Hands down. It’s also my favorite flavor of lots of things (pie, shortcake, body spray.)

12. Is there any other kind of shortcake? Has anyone ever had Pear Shortcake? Or Peach Shortcake? Plum Shortcake? I think not. Plum Shortcake sounds like a pudgy child prostitute from a Dickens novel or something.

13. Still with me after the pudgy child prostitute part? Why? Anyway, I’m pretty serious about loving Kentucky. Tattoo serious (not to be confused with Yahoo Serious.) Who’s with me?

14. My first word was “kitty”. My second word was “welfare.” That pretty much sums me up.

15. Is Bob Barker dead now? I seriously just had to look it up.

16. It occurs to me that the smell of a skunk is perfectly normal to me and yet there are probably people who have never smelled one before. It also occurs to me that I am not sure if skunks and polecats are the same thing. I think they are. I’d love to know how a skunk got to be known as a polecat. Did they used to climb poles? Sit on poles? And do so more than your average cat? Why don’t they do so now? Are skunks even feline? There should be a 25 Skunk facts survey. It would be more interesting than this.

17. This blows. Seriously. Other things like this actually list questions, this one just wants us to create 25 things out of thin air. This is literally the laziest “survey” ever. What kind of survey says “oh, just tell us 25 snippets of whatever you like”? I have a feeling if we look behind the curtain, some Indian Call Center is behind this trying to learn more about the average American so they can play it off when we call to change our phone service.

18. In that case, I, like every American, love the following things: Beef Stroganoff, Turnips,
Rhubarb Pie, Pauly Shore movies, National Hero Nancy Kerrigan, Two and a Half Men, Barry Manilow (he is, after all, the “Hit Man”), our Free National Health Care plan, the brave men and women in our US Congress, Arby’s, Tom Arnold, and poor people.

19. Sadly Arby’s, Tom Arnold, and poor people go hand in hand.

20. A few of my real favorite things: Maker’s Mark, My Morning Jacket, Bobby Darin, Jack Benny, Alfred Hitchcock movies, Bluegrass, The West Wing, Arrested Development, baseball, and Old Time Radio.

21. I play harmonica in my car. I often get laughed at when stopped in traffic. One time an old man was laughing at me, and I got embarrassed, but then he busted out a harmonica of his own in his car. Then the light changed. Watershed moment in my life.

22. I’m much more of a country person than a city person. I told someone that the other day and they were surprised. So now I’m telling you. After the rant on skunk vs. polecat, this should no longer be a surprise.

23. Guilty pleasure is that I love Professional Wrestling. Less guilty pleasure is that I love Professional Whittling.

24. I’d love to start a troublemaking criminal gang with my brothers. Because our last one kinda lost its luster once the fucking Feds caught wind of it.

25. Cincinnati really needs to build a streetcar. But who cares? Cincinnati=poor man’s Newport. The reason Kentucky doesn’t fall into Tennessee is because Ohio sucks.